Cultural Diversity

(I figure few people really read this, so I'm going to put this out in all its ugly rawness, and it's not really what I want to say, but it does express a little of the feelings I'm trying for. Anyways, those reading, I hope you don't judge me too harshly. lol. Sigh.)

Ah yes. Bleh. Hmmm. How to start?

When I first got back from the training class today, I was really riled. I felt I had all this stuff to vent and I could tell my emotions were running high. But before I had a chance to start writing, I ended up talking to my mom about various things, and then my roommate for a while too, and then when I had a bit of time, I didn't know where to start. Then another call and then dinner and then Capture the Flag. (We won by the way. I even was the one to find the flag!)

So now I'm sitting here, knowing a little what I wanted to talk about, but all the feelings have faded, and the introductions and all of that. Part of me is wondering whether I should drag it all up again. Part of me knows it's not friendly things I want to talk about, and I have the high chance of offending people. And part of me wants to go to the effort because this is not something I feel I can usually express because I am afraid of offending, and because I don't just want to be lazy and let the feelings slide away without sifting through them.

This is not going to be only about one subject. There are a couple things I feel I need to give vent to. So I'm going to cram them all together because they came up today.

We're in training for the assistant supervisors, of which I am one. Some of the activities of this guy are really fun and get us thinking in lots of ways. When we were doing one on conflict resolution, we had all these good ideas. Then he gave us a simple job and because of something unforeseen, many of us got quickly frustrated and forgot all of our skills and didn't handle the situation well. I'll admit I was one of them. So that was a good activity. And much of what he presented was good. I enjoyed most of the training. Sure, his presentation style bugs me a little, being super affirming, trying to make sure that no one gets offended at anything, thanking us for being "real." Those things in general kind of bug me, though I know that some people really need that, and as someone who talks about all this difficult communication stuff, I understand why he does it. He also has Tibetan bells he rings to call us together and quotes Ghandi more than anyone else. Don't get me wrong; I certainly understand the attraction of the Asian cultures and Buddhism for the ideas of peace. I understand the merits of meditation and the like. However, people who do this... well, I'll come back to this.

In the latter part of the day, we talked about Cultural Diversity. Mind you, this is of course not the first time that I've talked about this sort of thing. I've been through high school, and then college, and also, going into teaching, this is a big deal. So none of this stuff is really "new" to me. We did some interesting things about who we are and where we come from. We looked at what our "lenses" are through which we see the world. I recognize that I have them. Of course I do. Every single person on the planet does. So it's not that.

There's a whole list of thing that make up who we are, things we were born with or can do nothing about. And of course, most of those also have negatives to them. Race. Racism. Sex. Sexism. Etc. etc. So race, ethnic background, geographic region, class, gender, sexual identity, ability - physical or mental, age... there are more I'm sure. But those are the big ones. And these days, we are continually being told we shouldn't distinguish on those levels. Or that those are prejudices and privileges base on those systems which are wrong. "All men are created equal..."

But that's a lie.

Of course, all people are not created equal. I doubt really that any two people have REALLY been created equally. So treating everyone the same... not likely. But that's really beside the point I want to make.

I am a white female, born in the Northwest part of the USA, to the middle class, where I was raised with Christian morals. That is who I am. There is nothing I can do to change that.

Now, in this United States, there are a large section of people who are called Marginalized. People of color, gays, Jews, females, elderly, disabled, poor, etc. We did this activity where we all started in a line. Then you took a step forward for certain things, and a step back for other things. Forward: you had more than 50 books in your home growing up. Backward: you rode public transportation. Forward: you were encouraged to go to college. Backward: you were teased because of your religion. It had interesting results.

At the end, everyone was spread out. Some people were at the front, some at the back, and some, myself included, were more in the middle. It was pretty powerful, and so was the talking about it afterwards.

One guy started off taking a number of steps forward. He ended up near the front at the end. At first, he was really glad, thankful for the way his parents raised him, the opportunities he had. Then he looked back and saw everyone behind him. And his immediate feeling? Guilt.

I can definitely relate to that. Whenever we have talks like this, whenever we study this sort of thing, I always have this sense of guilt. I feel blamed, heavily blamed, for all the -isms our nation. I'm white. I have oppressed the Native peoples here before. I have brought slaves and continued to deny rights to black people, and people of color. I am middle class. I have ignored the needs of the poor and trapped them in a system they can never escape from. I am a Christian. I have led Crusades to the Holy Land, burned people at the stake. I hate gays and Muslims. I am a hypocritical exploiter of people. I have all of the guilt from all of history for all the titles I claim, of which I can do very little about.

The White Man is considered overall, evil. He is the corrupter. He kills native land, disrupts peaceful tribes. He enslaves and even now oppresses all those different from him. In movies, he is the villain. Or the "white savior" which today is also looked down on. That marginalized groups receive help from white people is considered degrading. They should be shown to rise out of oppression themselves. The speaker today talked about a college class on leaders. In it, all the leaders the professor was talking about where white men. He mentioned how this led to the idea that white men are the only people who are leaders. But so often I find that is not so much the image I see. I see leaders easily pulled from many areas, but villains are much more often white men.

He also talked about how the firemen books for his son are giving him the idea of what firefighters are like. He says some of his books are good and show different colors and genders, while some are only white men. And I recognize this is true. However, I hate feeling that an author can't portray something, because it is seen as being part of a larger system, a giant system of oppression. Yes, I recognize that I have probably been more exposed to this than many people. I am probably more sensitive to this. And probably, the reason someone shows that, even if it is the truth is because it is all part of a larger system. But I know that for my town, the likelihood of the firefighters being all men is rather high. I know there are occasional women, but because of the requirement of ability to lift certain amounts and other things, it can be more difficult for women, and thereby more men would fill the positions. Also, I know that it depends where a team is from. My small down don't have many people of color. Yes, yes, I know, because of the system. But if you were to draw a picture of the firefighters from my town, they would be white men. And perhaps, that truth should not be conveyed. Perhaps it oppresses people, because they didn't have the opportunity. I don't know.

I am not communicating my feelings clearly. I do recognize that there are many underlying issues. I understand that there are systems of oppression, systems of privileges. I just am saying I hate the feeling of blame. I hate feelings as though I am the cause of all the trouble in the world.

I say world because he ended reading a quote about statistics of the world. If the world were reduced equally to proportions to 100 people, what it would look like. 50 men, 50 women. 65 Asians. 12 Europeans. A huge amount of the wealth being owned by only 5 people, all of them in the United States. Most with no running water, no bed, no ability to read. Only one with a college education.

By this point, I'm mentally fuming. So perhaps I'm not taking this the way he means it. But I don't know what purpose he has for reading this than to instill a sense of guilt. Perhaps he wanted to show us we're privileged, but honestly, I don't know anyone who in the scope of the world doesn't think so. Perhaps he wanted to inspire us to do something more to equalize the world. I don't know. But what I came away with was a strong sense that we in America weren't doing enough about the systems, and look how unfair the world is.

Granted, the world is unfair. I do not believe there is anything ever that will make that not be the case. People will always have differences. It is those differences that can make us strong or weak, but they will always exist and people will always react because of them. I will not ask a person 100 lbs to lift as much I might ask someone who is 200 lbs., because ability is different. Some people are smarter or more athletic. We just spent all of yesterday talking about leadership styles and how everyone has different strong points and weaknesses. That's just how it is.

I wonder how that statistic would have been different 100 years ago. Or more than that. Say, 200 years. As some point, all cultures slept in poor beds, didn't have wealth or running water. Their children died of hunger and disease. Most people couldn't read. He spoke as though we were supposed to change the world. But I have heard that us stepping in to change those "poorer" countries, feeding all the starving children, etc. is not really the best thing. Those cultures are supposed to develop. They are supposed to grow by themselves. Perhaps a culture doesn't read because they have no need. Instead of feeling guilty about others in the world not having enough, I think there is other things you can do. You can help someone here learn to read, where reading is necessary. You can take care of your family, encouraging and giving as much as you can, telling them they can, and supporting them as they do.

I know there are many problems in the world. In the United States. In system after system. I know that. I am not blind. I try not to be calloused. I do recognize there are some changes that need to happen. But I hate the feeling that it is all my fault, all the fault the people who I have identified with, and can not really do anything about. I know some systems really do need to be changed. I think some of it can be forced, and some of it really can't be. I know that problems need to be fixed, and I need to be receptive and aware. I know this. And perhaps there were some there that had never heard this. Perhaps this was more for them. I just know I hate feeling guilty for being mainstream. I hate feeling like being a white, middle class, Christian oppresses other people. I hate feeling guilty for being who I am. I hate that sense of shame, instill by others. Instill by those trying to make a difference. Trying to do something good. I know all this. But I hate it.

That's not really all I want to say or any of how I want to say it. It's just something that I really came away with today, and have come away from this sort of thing before. Whenever I attend something multicultural, I come away with a sense of shame and blame. And I know that because they aren't in power, it is not racist or classist, or anything. They are allowed to because there is something wrong with the system. Something wrong with a system that places me at the top. I always come away feeling bad for being born at the top. And I hate how the only people you are allowed to hate are those at the top. It's okay to make fun of the rich and Christians, and men.

Bleh. This isn't coming out right at all. I just feel this knot, something I feel after every cultural diversity thing I've gone through. I hate that. And maybe that's -ist of me. Maybe I'm just blind and proliferating the problem. Maybe I'm just a part of a corrupt system, an element of a oppressive society and system. Maybe. I still hate that knot.

Admiration/Intimidation

People who
make me admire someone/intimidate me are

People who :

• can go off coffee/tea/soda/caffine
• grow their own seedlings
• run every day or exercise regularly
• have studied all of an author's works
• live unplugged
• follow politics
• are passionate and knowledgeable
• have vegetable gardens
• eat/cook healthy
• have no debt and an education
• have a world vision
• read the newspaper every day
• write literature
• discover good new bands
• only own two pairs of shoes
  
• have lived in a foreign country and can speak to the natives
• have lived in a foreign country and absorbed the culture
• drink their daily amount of water
• see things with an artist's eye
• journal every day
• volunteer regularly in a community outreach
• win olympic medals
• bike to work
• lead well
• floss every day
• never wear makeup
• meet/talk to interesting/famous people
• do research
• discover new things/make progress
• participate in extreme sports
• understand Art Deco
• really appreciate architecture
• read only non-fiction
• always have a clean house/room
• etc.
  

Writing Influences

I am hugely influenced. I get influenced by all kinds of things. I will sit in a ethnic restaurant and if the server has an accent, I will sometimes adopt it when I talk to them. I don't do this to mock or even on a conscious level. I simply hear it and begin to inflect it myself.

I find the same thing happens when I write. Writing has an enormous power over me; it can influence my mood, my thoughts, my conversation. I remember the first time I read Little Women. I read it much later than most girls, I imagine. I didn't really have many people recommending books to me; even though I loved to read, I found most of the books from my childhood on my own. There was some help from librarians, and my mother collected books, and I would pilfer her shelves, although she didn't really recommend them. However, my cousin, who was in college at the time, said her favorite book was Little Women, and she was appalled I had never read it.

I am a procrastinator to the -enth degree. So instead of immediately going and reading it, it took me a few months, but I did eventually pick it up, and I did read it. And I loved it. And for the next two weeks, EVERYTHING related to that book. Somehow it never entered my head that everyone had not just read this book for the first time. No one else was continually thinking about the book, how it related to them, how similar this situation was like the book. Not everyone was upset by Jo and Laurie not getting together right then. But all their apathy didn't really phase me. I continued to think about it until eventually, my obsession faded.

This past month, I read The Hunger Games and Catching Fire. In the middle of reading Catching Fire, the person I was borrowing the book from wanted the book back for the weekend. It was torture. I was left involved in people's lives where I couldn't continue their stories. My mind was fixated on them, mulling over their dilemmas and obsessing over how the novel would end. Even my mood was affected by them. I began to think about my own life, and make choices based on how I felt about the people's position in the book. Needless to say, I devoured the book as soon as I had it back in my hands.

My writing is influenced in much the same way. After reading something, I feel much more inspired to write, but often, the writing comes out in the same voice as the author I just finished reading. Not always of course, but often. I had just finished reading The Bell Jar and I was writing a small piece to enter into a writing competition. I sent my story to a friend of mine overseas who didn't have any idea of what I was reading, and in her critique, she mentioned that my writing sounded like Sylvia Plath. My words formed themselves to the similar pattern I had just been reading.

The same thing happened in high school. After spending over a month reading Shakespeare, I began to think in Elizabethan English. I could write it, speak it, understand it with ease. It became a natural way of thinking. My friends and I in the class would spend time later talking to each other in Elizabethan English. "Doth" no longer seemed such a foreign word, and would flow into the conversation with sense and ease. I saw plays and had no trouble at all understanding what was happening, what they were saying. I caught all the jokes, adored his puns. To this day, I enjoy Shakespeare's plays. But if I don't do some background research, refresh my memory about the contents of the play, I don't enjoy it as much, and I miss a lot. I never catch all his jokes and there can be moments of confusion. My Shakespearean thoughts have faded with time, but I have no doubt if I started reading and watching it frequently, I would fall back in.

After reading Agatha Cristie, I find my vocabulary and astuteness of descriptions increases. I think much more formally. I find myself describing people in my head, and can picture just how Hercule Poirot would view that person, and how Cristie would describe the conversation between two people. Her voice is one of my favorite things about the books, and I love every time I fall back into it.

Last night, I had just finished reading a passage of Bird by Bird. It got me thinking about writing, and me writing. That's when I started thinking about writing this, and as I thought about the things I wanted to write about, I realized I was narrating it in my head the way Anne Lammont would. My story was being told in her voice. Really, I think our reflective styles are somewhat similar to begin with, but I was suddenly afraid I had no real voice. That I was too much of an open vessel. That I allowed other people's writing to influence me to the point where myself, my voice, no longer existed. Of course, it would be my story, so the actual happenings would be unique to me, but as to the method, the way the story was told, that would be up to whomever I had most recently read.

In a way, that's a bit of a good thing. It allows me to inflect those authors I admire. I can adopt some their styles and pump up my own writing. I can be more acute in my descriptions, attain a higher vocabulary, mimic the great authors. But I still want the writing to be mine. Not just the story, but the way it's told. I want to own the story, have the story be told the way I would tell it. With that comes the fear that as a highly empathetic person, I don't really have a way. I am continually taking in other people's emotions, methods, thoughts, and styles. This was my fear as I laid awake last night. Perhaps I was not unique. Perhaps, I did not have a voice of my own, and simply adopted other people's voices to suit my needs. Perhaps my stories were just rehashed versions of others I had read or hear.

But this morning, when I actually sat down to write, I realized I do have a voice. I am a unique person, with my own voice. In writing this, I am no longer thinking in Anne Lammont. Stephen King, in his forward for The Dark Tower series stated that he had had designs to write a fantasy series after reading Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. But he waited to start it. He knew if he began it right away, he would have been telling Tolkein's story rather than his own. Tolkein was a huge influence, an inspiration. But King needed to find his own voice, tell his own story. To do so, he needed to wait. So he waiting and in so doing, came out with an incredible and unique fantasy all his own, told in his own voice. And I realized the same in true for me.

I need to allow authors to inspire me. To give me the desire to write, to tell my stories, to encourage me to capture scenes, notice detail, stimulate writing thoughts in my head. But I need to give myself time, more or less depending on how involved or influenced I was by what I read. Time to find my voice. Time so I can tell my story my way. In so doing, I will write for me, and find myself in my writing. I am unique.